What Estate Agents Say Vs. What They Really Mean

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New to househunting? We feel your pain.

Here’s our handy glossary about what those scumbags mean when they say…

“Early viewing recommended” – it’s gone already
“An exciting opportunity has arisen” – in shock news, we have a house available
“Up-and-coming area” – might not be horrible in a decade’s time
“Increasingly popular area” – horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you
“Popular area” – you can’t afford to live here
“Sought-after location” – only Russian oligarchs can afford to live here
“Borders on X” – don’t tell people you live in X if you ever want them to find your house
“Deceptively spacious” – not spacious
“Cosy” – really not spacious
“Perfectly sized” – humans can barely fit in this
“Bijou” – humans cannot fit in this
“Compact” – cats cannot fit in this
“Charming” – doesn’t have stairs
“Quaint” – doesn’t have windows
“Rustic” – doesn’t have a roof
“Authentic” – is made of mud and straw
“Unique” – does not comform with the laws of physics
“Easy access into the city” – it’s not in the city
“An extensive range of shopping facilites nearby” – there’s a Tesco Metro, a newsagents, and a laundrette you’ll never use
“A substantial double fronted detached house” – it is a detached house
“An exceptional period conversion flat” – it is an old flat
“A well presented two double bedroom maisonette” – it’s an expensive flat so we’re trying to make this sound classy
“Superb lounge” – it has a lounge
“It has a wonderful flowing entertaining space” – I’m basically just talking crap now
“Fully fitted kitchen” – good news, you won’t need to provide your own sink
“WC / bathroom” – there’s a toliet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet
“The development is located minutes away from this incredible city attraction” – you will visit the attraction twice, even though you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet
“The flat has an open day” – you will have less than an hour to purchase this house, otherwise it will be gone forever and your dreams will lie in ruins
“Well presented” – they hoovered before you arrived
“Superbly presented” – they stuck some daffodils in a jug too
“A building full of character” – it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath
“A building with a lot of history” – look at this dent, look at this dent, look at this dent, is that a bloodstain?
“This apartment has heating and carpets fitted” – we’re running out of stuff to say about this flat so I am just listing stuff you normally find in a house
“Key deposit” – give us money
“Reservation fee” – give us money
“Administration paperwork fee” – give us $100 to do some photocopying or you’re homeles.
“This area’s got a village-like atmosphere” – your mugger knows your name
“There’s a real sense of community” – you know the junkies’ names
“Plenty of amenities” – your cornershop has a cashpoint
“Good transport links” – there’s a bus stop ten minutes walk away
“One bedroom flat” – I am a billionaire
“Studio flat” – bedsit
“Studio flat” – cupboard
“Studio flat” – a box where loneliness is your only friend
“Studio flat” – ahahahahahaha I hate you
“Studio flat” – look at me driving round in my shiny branded company car, bet I earn more in a month than you’ll earn all year, in your FACE loser
“Split-level studio flat” – there’s a bunk bed
“Mezzanine sleeping area” – shelf with a mattress
“Aspirational living” – we’re ripping you off
“Riverside living” – we didn’t say which river
“Waterfront apartment” – we think that’s water in the canal
“Must be seen” – may not actually exist
“Recommended viewing” – the pictures are horrible, aren’t they?
“New price” – wrong price last time
“Reasonable offers considered” – we’re getting desperate
“Priced to sell” – I’m getting sacked if this doesn’t sell
“Boasts” – has
“Benefits from” – has
“Comprises of” – has
“Convenient for local amenities” – inconvenient for everything else
“Easy to maintain” – it won’t take long for you to vacuum the ten square feet of floor
“Great use of space” – no idea how they managed to fit a bed in there
“Three bedrooms” – two bedrooms and someone can sleep in the kitchen
“Original features” – nothing has ever been repaired
“Strong potential” – spend $100,000 on repairs and it might be habitable
“Would benefit from” – for some reason does not yet have
“Needs modernisation” – good luck if you expected plumbing
“Great scope for improvement” – like, you could add walls
“The opportunity to make this your own” – LOL there isn’t actually a building at all
“Elegantly proportioned” – all the rooms are as small as each other
“Full of character” – full of mice
“Ideal for first-time buyers” – hahaha suckers
“Would suit” – this is not for the likes of you
“Garden flat” – basically a dungeon with some moss on a paving slab outside
“Minimalist” – basically a hollow shell
“Modernist” – the walls are at right angles
“Neoclassical” – no idea what this means but it sounds fancy
“Art deco” – nope, not a clue
“Rococo” – we just like the sound of this
“Bauhaus” – I’ve got one of their albums somewhere
“Well appointed” – yeah, we’re just saying random words now

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Julio Marchi ©

Publisher / Editor at BS News & Media Services
A free thinker, not labelled as anything, not associated with any party, not part of any group or engaged with any religion... A simple guy tired of the nowadays bullshit who decided to promote more serious debates about what is really happening hoping to bring back intelligence to the superficial and shallow news & headlines that unfortunately took over the existing media scene.
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